You’ve been thinking about that senior leadership role for months. You know you could do it. You know you want it. But every time you imagine the conversation with your partner, your stomach tightens.
What if they say they’re supportive but secretly resent you? What if stepping up creates tension you can’t undo? What if their “I’ll support you” is theoretical, not real?
So instead of being direct, you test the water. “There might be a restructure coming up, do you think I could do an AP role?” You’re hoping they’ll somehow know what you need without you having to ask for it.
Here’s what I know from progressing through senior leadership whilst being the primary parent: avoiding this conversation doesn’t make it easier. It makes it harder. Because without clarity, you’re building your career decisions on assumptions, not agreements.
If you’re serious about stepping up, you need to have five specific conversations with your partner. Not vague “are you okay with this?” chats. Proper, uncomfortable, necessary conversations that test whether what you need and what they’re willing to give actually match.
Question 1: Is Your Support Real or Theoretical?
Your partner probably says they support your ambition. Most partners do. The question isn’t whether they say it. The question is whether they mean it in practice.
Theoretical support sounds like: “Of course, you should go for it. You’d be great.”
Real support sounds like: “Let’s talk about what that actually means for our week. What would need to change?”
Here’s how to test it:
Get specific about one concrete change senior leadership would require. Not “I might have to work late sometimes.” Try “I’ll have governors meetings one evening a month, usually Tuesdays. That means you’re doing bedtime on your own and I won’t be back until 9pm. How does that sit with you?”
Watch their reaction.
Do they engage with the practical reality? Do they problem-solve with you? Or do they get vague, defensive, or dismissive?
I thought my ex’s availability on Wednesday evenings and Sundays was solid support. It felt like enough until I actually needed flexibility around those times for work commitments. Then I discovered their support had very specific boundaries I hadn’t realised existed.
What to listen for:
- Do they ask follow-up questions about the logistics?
- Do they offer solutions or highlight problems?
- Do they make it about them (“but that’s when I play football”) or about solving it together?
Red flag: If they immediately focus on what they’ll lose rather than what you’ll gain, that’s information.
Question 2: What Will Actually Change in Our Daily Life?
Right now, you’re managing the bulk of the domestic operation even though your partner “helps”. You know who needs new school shoes, when the dentist appointments are, which child needs their PE kit washed for tomorrow.
Senior leadership doesn’t give you more hours in the day. Something has to shift.
Map out your current week vs your senior leadership week:
- Who does school drop-off? Pickup? Makes dinner? Manages homework?
- Who’s the default parent at weekends?
- Who remembers what needs doing? Who organises everyone else?
Then map what needs to change. If you’ve got a full SLT day on Thursday, who’s covering pickup? If you’ve got breakfast meetings twice a month, who’s managing the morning routine?
The uncomfortable truth is that most women I work with discover they’re not asking their partner to do MORE. They’re asking them to do their fair share for the first time.
Don’t skip this conversation because it feels petty or administrative. This IS the conversation. Senior leadership fails for women not because they can’t handle the job, but because the domestic load doesn’t shift to match.
Question to ask directly: “If I get this role, I need you to own Wednesday and Thursday pickups completely, including remembering PE kits and managing homework. Not helping me with it. Owning it. Can you do that?”
Question 3: What Happens When My Job Needs to Come First?
Here’s the scenario your brain keeps playing at 3am:
You’re in a meeting with the Principal. Your daughter texts saying she feels sick and needs picking up from school. Your partner’s in a meeting too. Who leaves?
Right now, the answer is you. Every time. Your job flexes around family. Theirs stays protected.
If you step into senior leadership, that has to change. Not every time. But sometimes.
Test this directly: “There will be times when my work commitment can’t move and you’ll need to be the one who leaves your meeting, takes the sick day, rearranges your schedule. How do you feel about that?”
This is where theoretical support often crumbles. Because it requires them to deprioritise their work in a way they’ve probably never had to before.
What you’re listening for:
- Do they understand that “my job comes first sometimes” means THEIRS comes second sometimes?
- Are they willing to have the difficult conversation with their boss that you’ve been having for years?
- Do they see your career as equally important to theirs, or is yours still the “extra” one?
The hard truth: If their instinct is “but I can’t leave my meeting” whilst assuming you can always leave yours, you don’t have a partnership problem. You have a hierarchy problem. And stepping into senior leadership will expose it.
Question 4: How Do You Really Feel About Me Earning More/Having More Status?
This is the conversation nobody wants to have. But it’s the one you absolutely must.
If you step into a senior leadership role, you might earn £65K. Maybe more. If that’s significantly more than your partner earns, how do they actually feel about that?
Not what they say they should feel. What they actually feel.
Because money and status shift power dynamics. Even in the most equal relationships. Even when nobody wants them to.
How to approach this: “I might end up earning significantly more than you if I get this role. I need to know how you honestly feel about that. Not what you think you should feel. What you actually feel.”
Then shut up and listen. Really listen.
If they say “I’m fine with it” too quickly, push gently: “I appreciate that. And I also know this can be complicated. If you have any concerns or weird feelings about it, I’d rather know now than discover them later.”
Watch for: Jokes that aren’t quite jokes. Comments about you being “the breadwinner now” said with an edge. These are usually resentments showing up in disguise.
Question 5: What Support Do I Actually Need vs What Are You Willing to Give?
By now, you’ve had four uncomfortable conversations. You’ve tested their support, mapped the logistics, discussed priorities, and surfaced any resentment about status shifts.
This final question is about closing the gap.
Make two lists:
For example:
List 1: What I actually need to make senior leadership work:
- Tuesday evenings free for governors meetings
- Flexibility on Thursday pickups
- Partner to be primary parent 2 days a week minimum
- Mental load shared 50/50 on household management
List 2: What my partner is willing to give: [Fill this in based on your previous four conversations]
Now look at the gap.
If what you need and what they’re willing to give are 80% aligned, you can work with that. If the gap is 50% or bigger, you have a problem. Not an impossible problem, but one that requires either renegotiation or acceptance that you’ll need support from elsewhere.
Your options if there’s a big gap:
- Renegotiate: “Here’s what I actually need. Can we revisit what you’re willing to commit to?”
- Supplement: Invest in additional support (cleaner, childcare, meal delivery)
- Accept the truth: If they’re genuinely not willing to shift, you’re making a choice with full information
The clarity these five questions give you:
After these conversations, you’ll know whether your partner’s support is real or theoretical, what will actually change in your daily life, whether they’ll flex when your job needs to come first, how they really feel about potential status shifts, and whether what you need and what they’ll give actually match.
Sometimes the answers aren’t what you hoped. Sometimes you discover their support has more conditions than you realised. That’s painful information. But it’s also powerful information. Because you can’t make good decisions based on assumptions and hope.
What happens if the conversations go well?
If your partner engages genuinely with these five questions, problem-solves with you, and commits to specific changes, you’ve just built the foundation for making senior leadership actually work.
Not perfect. Not frictionless. But possible.
You’ll know what you can count on. You’ll have tested their support before you’re in the deep end. You’ll have agreements, not assumptions.
The conversation you’re still avoiding:
You’ve read this far. You probably know which of these five questions you most need to ask. You probably also know which one you’re most scared to ask.
That’s the one to start with.
Not next week. Not “when the time is right”. Tonight. Tomorrow. This weekend.
Because every day you avoid this conversation is another day you’re building your career decisions on hope rather than reality. And hope isn’t a strategy.
Your ambition deserves better than that. So do you.
